The Tallis and the Tickets

After my last post, Cookie responded with a good suggestion as to where I could keep the tickets in the future to avoid losing them again.
Her idea is a good one but I suspect I will go back to our old storage spot -- updated for our current family situation.

And here goes another "Mom and the High Holy Days" story ...

Back in the days when Mom and Mike and I would go to services together, we'd walk over to the synagogue with our tickets in our hands. When we got inside and were seated, we all handed our tickets to Mike, who tucked them in his tallis (tallit) bag. The reasoning was simple -- Mom and I usually did not have pockets in which to tuck the tickets. When we could, we let Mike carry the apartment keys in his suit pockets and the keys and tickets were all that we carried. It harkens back to the rules restricting what one can carry on the Sabbath or High Holy days. It also harkens back to the fact that even back then they briefly searched bags and purses and not having one just made entry faster.

Back to the tickets ...

One year we forgot to remove the tickets after Yom Kippor and the following year we discovered them in the tallis bag. And quickly realized that they were exactly the same color as the previous year. Woo Hoo! Extra tickets! This started the tradition of storing the tickets from year to year in Mike's tallis bag. We never used the "extras" but it was always nice to know that we could bring in an extra family member if they wanted to come.

The color of the tickets held steady for several years and then we switched our service preference and started going to the early service instead of the late one. [Our synagogue has so many families that two seatings are required for the High Holy days. The clergy are very careful to make sure that the services are as identical as possible.] The early service tickets were a different color which made the old, hoarded tickets useless to us. We continued, however, hoarding the new tickets until two things happened. One, Mike stopped going to services and two, they started changing up the color of the tickets from year to year. I guess we weren't the only ones who realized what was going on.

This brings us to 2009 ...

As we were toting around Squidette's tallis today, I mentioned that she really needed a bag for it. Carrying around an unprotected tallis is just asking for trouble. Particularly when one does not have a purse to tuck it into and one is going to lunch right after services.

You see, I am still, when possible, carrying on the tradition of traveling lightly on the Holy days. Now, however, I make sure to wear a suit with pockets deep enough to handle my apartment or car keys (one or the other, never both), my drivers license, some cash / credit and a small handful of tissues. Yes, my pockets bulge and look a bit unattractive but I do not have a purse that has to be tucked somewhere out of sight while ushering. I made Little Squid (as the male with pockets) take his (turned off) cell phone so I wouldn't have to carry mine and so we could easily hook up with our friends for lunch after services. Yes, I am already using my son the way Mom used Mike. Squidette did not have any pockets and my shallow suit jacket pockets were already bulging.

***

Tomorrow I intend to take a walk over to the quilting store and see about getting a set of fat quarters in blues and whites. I'm thinking a simple Jewish Star on top of a nice background fabric with a button closure. It has to be a fairly large bag since the tallis is a big one.

Mike offered his tallis bag to the cause but there are two problems with his. One: it's actually a t'fillin bag and hence 1/2 the size of a normal tallis bag and two: we can't find it. We didn't even try to find his tallis for Squidette's bat mitzvah (though we probably knew where it was back then) since his tallis is too small for him. It was bought to fit a thirteen-year-old boy and not a grown man. Instead, Mike wore my dad's tallis and my dad wore my Zedda's tallis. We have a vague idea of where Mike's tallis is but when I looked for it before, to take a photo for this post, I could not easily find it.

So there you have it. The Tallis and the Tickets. Not an especially gripping tale, but one of fond memories and lots of side-references.

Synagogue Shuffle

Last night I persuaded my kids to join me for the Kol Nidre service (the service that starts Yom Kippor). It has been a few years since I last attended the evening service and I thought the kids might appreciate it now -- if not from a religious stand point then from a musical one.

This particular service is one of the most moving and most beautiful of the year and the melody to the Kol Nidre prayer is simply breathtaking when done well.

Fast forward to the end of the service, yes they appreciated it, particularly the parts played by the cellist. Yes, part of Kol Nidre was perfomed on the cello. Obviously we are not orthodox.

Between the start of the service and the Kol Nidre prayer, we were approached by the head usher who asked if Squidette or I could help out in the balcony* for 20 minutes or so -- they were short ushers. As we had Little Squid with us, Squidette agreed to go while I stayed in the sanctuary with Little Squid.

Squidette did not return. At some point I was informed that my daughter had opted to continue with her ushering duties upstairs so I sat back and let myself get into the rest of the service.

When the service ended, Little Squid and I waited for Squidette to come downstairs and, after waiting quite a while, we finally went upstairs to help her clean up and reshelve the prayer books.

As we finally made to leave I offered our services for the following morning (Squidette and I had ushered for Rosh Hashanah services both this year and last year) and our offer was enthusiastically accepted as they were not quite sure of the reliability of some of the volunteers. When we arrived this morning, the head usher decided that the three of us (Little Squid was along for the ride) would have the balcony all to ourselves. And so we did. With hundreds of congregants.

At one point this morning, Little Squid commented "It's like a real life Diner Dash," refering to how quickly we were finding seats for people (it was 45 minutes into the service and people kept coming) and handing out the prayer books.

What I discovered today is that my son is just like me. He thrives on this kind of thing. Even without breakfast.

Once again my kids made me proud. Squidette seated people on her own (it involved asking others to make way and asking if seats were occupied by people in the bathroom) and she held her own even though those she was working with out aged her by at least 20 years on average. One congregant came right up to me and praised her. Little Squid held his own when people tried to push past him when they should have stayed in the back (during certain parts of the service we do not seat people). Me? Well I showed how graceful I am when I missed two steps at the bottom of the balcony and took a magnificent spill, catching myself against the metal railing. I will have some nice bruises on my arm and side tomorrow and my foot is a bit stiff from the turn. But I'm o.k., really!

It was a good day and my caffine / no food headache is just about gone. That said, I will not fall asleep tonight because of the naps and late consumption of caffine.

* Our synogue used to be a movie theater and the seats in the balcony are still movie theater seats on steps (hence my ability to miss the two narrow ones at the bottom). For large services like on the high holy days congregants sit in the main sanctuary, the balcony and the auditorium adjacent to the sanctuary where the portable wall opens up so that people can see and hear. There are also services for newer members in the basement and the clergy moves between the services. Then there is the fact that we run early and late services that are identical. There are that many congregants and they are all "high holy day" Jews.

Clarification

Because I know that I did not share certain things in an earlier post, I feel I must clarify why I am upset.

I understand the requirements and why they exist. My issues are 1. that this particular twist to the attendance requirement was not explained either verbally or in writing. 2. That the number of services that fill the requirement is very limited since they are not every weekend and run only from September to mid-May and tend to not be on long weekends or secular holidays. That, in itself, has to be a concession to some issue that arose in earlier years. If we had known about the twist, we would have knocked two of the five out earlier in the year. But, instead, we gave in to our inner-sloths and stayed home one of the two Saturdays because I was sick and we thought we had time.

Originally, this was not an onerous requirement as we rarely go out of town and had no standing commitments on Saturdays. Our kids do not participate in sports, so there is never any conflict like that. The music opportunity was unexpected, and the additional qualification for the special program with-in it was even more unexpected. All of a sudden, the service requirement was difficult, but not too tricky since we do not go away for vacations or long weekends. Then we found out that these same weekends are usually without the specific type of service that we need to attend. Now we are looking at having to pull her out of up to 3 rehearsals in a program with 18 remaining sessions. She's willing to miss one or, maybe, two. So again, we are talking about some sort of work around for maybe two of the five. She will go to the two immediately preceding her own which makes sense as the format will be fresh in her memory after a summer of nothing.

My other issue is that we cannot get a hold of the b'nai mitzvah schedule so that we can figure out which rehearsals she will miss. Right now, all of this is happening in my head so anything is possible. Next week should see some resolution. Hey, we are willing to do lots of other stuff. She will do the "high honors" program because, frankly, it is far too easy not to do. She's already fulfilled something like 8 of the 15 requirements and has blown away the community service requirement, for both regular requirements and high honors, with her participation in the monthly knitting program.

I do not disagree with the policy, I just wish it had been made clearer when we had our orientation in September. Had we known then, we would have acted appropriately at the time and would not, now, be in this pickle.

Not Religious

Despite the plethora of Hebrew names in this house, we are not religious. We call ourselves Jews and pay some homage to the major Holy days, including Shabbat, but we are not religious. This presents a problem as one of us prepares for a Bat Mitzvah.

One of the requirements for "qualification" for her Bat Mitzvah is that she attend 5 Shabbot morning services. That is exactly what the handbook says and what was said in our "orientation to b'nai mitzvot." Since Squidette qualified for the Borough-wide band, which meets every Saturday from 8:30 until 1:00, we figured that we would do the required services on 3-day weekends and during the school breaks when band does not meet. Or, worst case, every Saturday in June, after band is over and the kids have done their thing in Carnegie Hall. Oh, did I mention that she will be playing with the New York Pops and will be performing in Carnegie Hall? Yes, this is a big deal.

On Monday, we met with the assistant Rabbi who is in charge of seeing the kids through this process. When she asked if we had started the 5 Shabbot requirement, we explained our issues and our solution to them. At which point we were told "oh, there are not b'nai mitzvot on 3-day weekends, it has to be a Bar/bat mitzvah service. Maybe we can count one non-mitzvah service." I've been obsessing on this all weekend long. We were going to go to services this morning. We are not going to do so now.

I am willing to pull Squidette from band for one Saturday (Mike is not even willing to do that.) I am so upset that I cannot even write a coherent letter to the Senior Rabbi (who is the final word on this). Frankly, there are two B'nai Mitzvot in the month before her's (and before Borough-wide starts up in the fall), so we are only talking about 3 which all, according to the Assistant Rabbi, have to be done before Memorial Day weekend because there are no B'nai mitzvot over the summer (which is why Squidette's is in September.)

Borough-wide is a limited run. It, too, runs only until Memorial Day weekend, with the big Carnegie performance right after that. It is, in our opinion, more important. It is not something that she can do in the future. This year and next year are it.

Is it about the religion or about learning the routine of the b'nai mitzvah service? If it is about the religion, then the smaller, non-b'nai mitzvah services should be even more important. They are, theoretically, more intimate and include actual Torah study. They sound like the kind of service that I might actually enjoy.

And, what is the actual consequence of not fulfilling this requirement? Are they going to deny her this opportunity if she is otherwise fully prepared? After 8 years of Hebrew School and the insane schedule we are following this year to provide our kids with this training so that they can make an informed decision later in life?

We are raising our kids to be good people who do good things for others. Both kids helped me during this last Mitzvah Sunday and Squidette has now done 3 of them as well as helping with the additional meetings of the Sanctuary Stitchers that I led. Will she be denied an opportunity because she only gets to 3 of the mandated b'nai mitzvah services? Will her ushering during Rosh Hashana and attendance at Yom Kippor (which was on Shabbat this year) not count?

Well? What do you think?

(Mike will be writing a letter to the Senior Rabbi later tonight. As I said, I am too angry to do this.)

A Twist on Worship

For years I have attended High Holy day services in an attempt to actually worship. The reality of it is that I was always too distracted by those around me to get in more then a few minutes of what I consider to be authentic worship and reflection. This year I found the solution, I ushered.

Our congregation is HUGE. Over a thousand families, most who come out during the High Holy days and try to squeeze into the limited space that is our synagogue. The building is not small by any means but there are just that many members.

Years ago, well before I hooked up with Mike and started going there, our congregation had to start holding two sets of High Holy day services -- early and late. For the first many years of our relationship we went to the late services (11:45 for morning, 8:30 for evening). This allowed us to eat dinner at a reasonable hour and to sleep in if we desired. The only drawback was that we still rushed dinner because Mike's mom had to get on line early to "get a good seat." She needed to sit in the sanctuary, preferably close up so she "could see." Personally, I never got that. I don't need to see the action on the beemah to know what I need to know. Listening does just fine for me.

Eventually we persuaded her that by leaving a little early, but not hours early, we could get decent (by her) seats in the balcony. The auditorium was never an option. This worked for a few years and then we switched to early services to accommodate the kids. K-6 student programs ran only during the early service which solved the childcare issues (we'd switch off which parent went to services to take care of the kids). That was about the point that Mike stopped attending services all together. I was happy to go to keep his mom company and he could contemplate in his own way, outside of the chaos that is our synagogue.

Mom and I were free to leave as early as we wanted, which was not a big deal because people do not line up obsessively early for early services. We quickly discovered that we could get one of the two-fer pews in the back of the sanctuary which worked well for my getting out and up to the kids quickly and thrilled mom. Fast forward a couple of years.

Mom is gone and I am now attending services on my own. I will not make Mike come just to keep me company, after all, worship is a personal thing.

The first year, I sat alone in the sanctuary and quickly realized why Mom always wanted company. I missed the little exchanges we would have before services started and during a "break" in the action. We were always respectful but one can communicate a lot with a look and jab at a particular passage in the prayer book. After mentioning this to friends, they suggested I join them in the auditorium.

This is where I discovered the most social of congregants to be gathering. There was almost non-stop movement and whispering here. Still, it did not really bother me, I had friends to make my silly asides to and to laugh or groan with during the Rabbi's sermon (he sometimes makes bad jokes). When I asked Mike why Mom would never let us sit there, as I could see just fine, even from the very back, he said she hated the more social aspect of it. Fair enough.

This year I was asked to usher. Ushers, it turns out, are vital in our huge congregation. Not so much at the start of the service when those who are on time show up, but rather when the vast numbers of latecomers arrive. And I mean vast. All wanting seats together. Even when they are over an hour late. No kidding.

Squidette joined me, as the youngest usher ever, in the balcony. We handed out prayer books and found seats for people. We collected the Annual Appeal (formerly known as the Yom Kippor appeal) envelopes and were generally busy for the entire service.

Did I actually get any personal worship in? Nope. But I got much more out of "working" the service then I ever got sitting in it. I spent quality time with my daughter and provided a necessary service. Yup, it was a good New Year. We think we'll volunteer for Yom Kippor ushering.

A Happy and Healthy New Year for those celebrating this week. L'shana Tova